Enjoying Our Lucky Friends

I stumbled across an article this week where the author had this crazy notion that the happiest people are around when things are going right for other people instead of for themselves. The underlying assumption is that we too often define friendship based on having people around us when our lives are falling apart, and commiserating with others in their own misfortune. We reach out in times of need, or boredom, or to help others. Yet when things are going great for our friends or loved ones, we are less available. Happy people, so the argument goes, spend more time with their friends celebrating others’ success and triumphs.

Hmmm…there does seem to be a certain logic to this thinking. When I apply it to my own life, I am happier when I’m surrounded by happy people; likewise, I’m far more unhappy when those around me are miserable, or when I’m avoiding people because I think they are too happy for my sanity or for their own good. The more I thought about it, the more I realized why people are who present with things go right for others are happier.

For one thing, there is a certain amount of social learning that happens in our relationships. That’s a psychobabble word that basically means we learn how to behave from watching others. If our friends are happy, and we help them celebrate those joys, we should be seeing how they accomplished this happiness and maybe it will give us guidance. Also, I think there is something to be said for “leading by example,” and if I want my friends to celebrate my success and happy moments, I need to show them how it’s done! I’m going to raise the bar here! Up the ante! No puny celebrations…because when it’s my turn I want a party to rival Times Square on New Year’s Eve.

It’s good for other people too. There is research that shows us that storytelling changes the memory of the event. When your friend tells you about a particularly great date, the memory becomes more meaningful for them. The same is true for you. When you share the details of how you won a tough court case or worked long hours to earn a promotion, or even fought the laundry monster to finally defeat your sweat stain arch nemesis, these events have even more positive meaning for you.

Probably the best reason I can think of take pleasure in the joys of others is because it makes us happier. Sure, there is an altruistic component and it’s great to be there for friends. I bet there’s even a cutesy coffee mug with that sentiment you can give your bestie. But let’s not underestimate to value to ourselves in supporting those around us. Without getting into all the science of dopamine pathways and neurotransmitters, we feel good when we are happy and those good feelings can come in waves of positivity when we share in special moments of those close to us.

Here’s a challenge for you. Take a look at your social media footprint from the past 30 days. How many of your friends’ posts about good things in their lives did you simply “like” versus comment on with words of affirmation? You don’t even have to count for me to say it was too many. I’m guilty of it too. So for the next few weeks, let’s try and make a conscious effort offer some words of affirmation to our friends’ lives to help them celebrate their joys.

Bibliotherapy – Or How I Learned to Write What I Feel

Over the past few weeks, a popular prime time television series has included a plot line about adult siblings meeting for the first time. Part of the story has included their deceased mother’s journals. Box after box of journals. Journals documenting nearly every day of her adult life, from the mundane to the extraordinary. For some reason watching those episodes made me think of the oft-used phrase “Dear Diary.” That, in turn, let me to think about the excitement of adolescent diaries along the lines of “Dear Diary…I met a boy…” And welcome to the windmills of my mind. The life of a therapist always making connections.

Bibliotherapy is a rather unfriendly word for a relatively simple act – the expression of feelings through the written word. We’ve all done it in some form or fashion. Don’t believe me? Ha! I dare you to look at your Facebook posts or Twitter feeds. Complain about a bad day? Participate in the annual fall tradition of 20, 30 or even 40 Days of Thanks? Share really great news that made you happy….including the emoticon? Congratulations! You are well versed in bibliotherapy.

For the sake of simplicity, if for no other reason than I prefer to avoid “psychobabble” when at all possible, let’s talk about journaling instead. This blog is my personal form of journaling, though not my only effort. Journaling is a great way to explore your feelings and experiences over time. Just about every self-help book and pompous daytime talk show circuit “expert” recommends journaling. Research has shown that effective journaling can be a good tool in your toolbox of psychological wellness. And I firmly believe it’s critical for me to “know myself” before I can know anybody else or how to include them in my life.

So now I write a blog. I’m just starting this new project, but I’m excited and hopeful others will at least get a chuckle every now and then, if not find something useful. I also keep a private journal on my MacBook (Day One app, available for iOS devices). Just the other day I wrote an email to an ex who was my first love. Classic unsent letter exercise. It still sits in my draft folder for me to tweak until I’m satisfied. I doubt I’ll ever hit the SEND button, but that’s not the point. The point is for me to explore my feelings. Often times it’s easier if I write them down rather than having them swirl around in my head in what I imagine looks like a satellite view of a hurricane approach the shore. Yes, there is a metaphor buried in there what would amuse Freud. Journaling, in whatever form, is for me. And it can be for you, too.

Why do it?

  • Gives you a chance to sort through all the clutter in your head by getting down on paper. Then you’re better able to concentrate on your wants and needs.
  • Allows you to step back and evaluate your thoughts, emotions, feelings, actions, and reaction.
  • Express thoughts that sometimes you are too scared to say out loud.
  • Explore your core values, and learn to bring your emotions and desires in line with those values to live your best life.
  • Step back and see things from other perspectives.
  • Explore a creative side of yourself and turn negative energy into positive energy.
  • Look for recurrent themes in your life that are holding you back, and recognize the things you do well that propel you forward.

How do you do it? Where do you start? How do you know you’re doing it right? Will it help? Those are great questions I often hear from clients when I assign journaling as homework. That’s right…I give therapy homework. Sometimes clients resist and roll their eyes. Eventually they give in. And in many cases, they have continued their journaling well after we have finished using it in therapy. I bet most of them even continued after their therapy was over.

There are lots of books and guides you can buy, borrow, rent, or download. And they are totally unnecessary. If you completed junior high, you already have the skills you need to journal. It’s writing. That’s it. Pretty simple, huh?

I’m serious. There is no right or wrong way to begin this. Some people begin in a very structured way using a diary app or similar format. Others carry a notebook with them and jot down thoughts as they occur. Some people write long and winding narratives for hours on end. I’ve seen great work come from what we call “stream of consciousness” writing where you start with whatever words land on the page and continue without thought until you run out of words, with no regard to punctuation or structure or style. To my mind, and based on my experiences with clients and my own life, the way you do it is far less important than the fact you are doing it.

I like to occasionally review what I’ve written to start looking for common themes. Do I feel depressed the same time each year? Am I writing a lot about hurt feelings with my friends and family? Do my thoughts about my work sound like maybe I want to make a change? Are there lots of mentions about something that excites me that maybe should be a new hobby? What’s working and not working in my life? What do I want to be different?

As with most things in life, practice does not necessarily make it “perfect” but does make it a lasting habit. Try and develop a regular writing habit and see what you learn about yourself.